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Thursday, 08 April 2010 02:59 |
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When people think "Batman", they probably imagine a thoroughly competent, dedicated individual who has spent his adult life honing his mind and body into the ultimate weapon against injustice. Those people are lucky, because they've never seen "Batman Returns".
After apparently rolling out of bed one morning and deciding to fight crime while dressed like a doofus, millionaire idiot Bruce Wayne patrols the streets of Gotham, throwing bat-shaped toys at loiterers, jaywalkers, and people with unpaid parking fines. But since Gotham's police force is apparently even more inept than he is, it doesn't take long for a duo of brand-new supervillains to show up with a scheme to bring the city's defender to his bat-knees.
With only the help of an elderly English butler and a complete lack of any sense of self-preservation, Batman blunders his way through legions of clowns, kitties, and umbrella-wielding midgets to prove that literally anyone can be a superhero.
Join Shawn and Keith as they suffer through one of the worst crimes ever released in theaters, "Batman Returns"!
WARNING: This iRiff can be deadly if you eat it.
 
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Wednesday, 04 November 2009 22:09 |
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Have you ever looked over at your neighbors yard and found yourself thinking, "Gee, the grass really is greener over there"? Have you ever wished maybe you could leave your old lawn behind and experience the many wonders of a new, strange lawn? Have you then wished that you could replace that new lawn with Jack-O-Lanterns and bat corpses? Then this is the movie for you!
After celebrating another dreary Halloween, Pumpkin King (also, Mattress King) Jack Skellington discovers a gateway to the world of Christmas. Filled with the inexplicable joy and good cheer, he decides to share the wonder with the denizens of Halloweentown. But when Halloweentown's innate love of grisly murder threatens to ruin Christmas, Jack Skellington will have to sing and mince about on toe-tappin' quest to rescue Santa Claus from the Boogieman! And, because this is a Tim Burton movie, we're talking stripes and pointy angle galore!
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Wednesday, 28 October 2009 02:53 |
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Charlie Brown can't get a break no matter what time of the year it is, and the holiday-hits just keep on coming for him. Stuck with one of the worst costumes in history and given nothing to eat but rocks, Charlie Brown doggedly refuses to acknowledge the fact that everyone in the world totally hates his guts. Meanwhile, Linus is too distracted by the rampant consumerism of the season (because Schulz only ever had one real holiday plotline that he just kept recycling) to worry about costumes and candy; he's decided to spend his evening risking hypothermia in a pumpkin-patch, vainly hoping to witness the return of the Great Pumpkin, who will usher in a new-age of sweet presents for Linus. Also, Snoopy does battle with the Red Baron and embarks on a heartbreaking trek across the wartorn landscape of Europe circa World War I. And what any of this has to do with Halloween is anyone's guess.
It's Peanuts for Shawn and Keith as they take on this not-so-Halloweeny Halloween special! With 24 minutes of heart-stopping hilarity, "Cinester Theater Presents: It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is a spooky-fun way to spend your Halloween. And at this low price, you'll even have enough change left over to disappoint dozens of costumed-children by dropping pennies in their bag instead of real candy!
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Tuesday, 20 October 2009 01:30 |
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Movies have taught us an awful lot about robots. They're stronger, faster, and smarter than us. Their emotionless faces of tempered steel can hide a childlike sense of innocence and wonder, or an unquenchable thirst for murder and destruction. They'll take our jobs. They'll steal our hearts. And one day, they'll probably all rise up and kill us. It's all part of the magic of robots, and the reason we're pleased to bring you the story of ROBOCOP.
When a rookie policeman is shot a thematically-appropriate 750,000 times by a gang of ruthless criminals, a multimillion-dollar corporation decides to turn his corpse into the last word on law-enforcement. They jam the spongy mess into a human-shaped tin can, redub it ROBOCOP, and waste no time putting all crime in Detroit in the emergency room with 400 lbs of titanium-steel law enforcement pounded directly into their spine. But when forces within the corporation begin to conspire against him, ROBOCOP is in for the fight of his life as he must battle not only the police and the goons that killed him, but also ED-209, a rival battle-bot that's as deadly as he is adorable.
Join Shawn and Keith as they don protective suits of cybernetic-comedy and shake hands with another Verhoeven masterpiece, ROBOCOP! It will be 90 minutes of side-splitting entertainment that you'll need a total mind-wipe to forget! And even then, we're betting you'd still get weird flashes of how hilarious it was in your new life, prompting you to embark on a death-defying adventure to discover the truth! That would be fun, right?
Note: The iRiff syncs up with the R-rated version of "ROBOCOP", not the Unrated version. The Unrated version is only a few seconds longer and contains a little more violence; it should be usable with this iRiff, but you will have to resync the audio every so often to make it work.
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Saturday, 12 September 2009 02:01 |
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They don't make action movies like they used to. Inflated special-effects budgets have made it too easy, and now every action movie seems to be about pure spectacle. Wouldn't it be great to look back on the action movies of yesterday? Back when all you needed to keep an audience enthralled was an overly-muscled protagonist grunting unintelligibly into the camera against a backdrop of exploding mutants? Back when plots were so thin they gave your brain papercuts? Back in the days of the legend himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Douglas Quaid had it all: a beautiful wife, a wonderful job as the only believable guy at the construction site, and all the protein powder he could eat. But a fascination with the planet Mars soon leads him to Rekall, a vacation company that sells him an implanted memory of his perfect Mars getaway as an unstoppable secret-agent (because nobody's built for espionage like a 6'2 Austrain that can bench-press a motorcycle). But soon Quaid finds himself caught up in an interplanetary conspiracy to deprive ugly people of oxygen, and he'll have to punch, shoot, and grunt unintelligibly into the camera his way to the truth!
Join Shawn and Keith as they once again dive into the fray, knives of comedy clenched firmly between their teeth! Joined by their hateful sync-goblin Syncy, Cinester Theater take the some of the worst that the 80's action genre has to throw at them. Will they falter in the face of extreme adversity? Or will they be left standing atop of pile of metaphorical bodies, covered in the metaphorical blood of their enemies, shirts ripped to expose their manly metaphorical chests, and scream definatly into the sky as the camera fades slowly to black? Don't be the last one on your block to find out!
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Sunday, 02 August 2009 19:36 |
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Cinester Theater, Aaron J. Bossig, Quiptracks, and Ice-On-Mars invite you to boldly go... where Ice-On-Mars has sort of already gone, incidentally. Still, he was nice enough to invite the rest of us along for this crazy ride, and the result is a fully-riffed version of "Star Trek: Voyager - Season 1, Disc 2"! Cinester Theater is at the plate first; they've dusted off their comedy-cleats, taken a few test swings with their baseball bat of.... laughs, I guess, and they're ready to take on "Phage"!
Meet Neelix. He's the Jar Jar Binx of "Star Trek", and somebody stole his lungs. An intelligent group of protagonists might recognize a good thing when they see it, but this is Voyager, so that's right out the window. Based on some misplaced sense of responsibility (or some heavily skewed market research numbers concerning the popularity of the Neelix character) Janeway and her crew waste no time in looking this particular gift-horse in the mouth and set out on a desperate quest to get those lungs back. When the intrepid crew blunders into an asteroid that's actually a Fun House Hall-Of-Mirrors, they encounter a mysterious group of aliens that look like wads of ABC gum.
Will they find Neelix's lungs in time? Will anyone care if they don't? And when do they add that hot Borg supermodel to the cast?
Some of these questions will be answered when Cinester Theater Presents: Star Trek Voyager - Phage.
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Saturday, 27 June 2009 14:44 |
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The 1970's have a lot to answer for: disco, terrifying facial hair, bell-bottoms. "Planet of Dinosaurs" is basically a primer for all of them- a glimpse at life in a simpler, hairier time when scenes were ruined by bad claymation instead of bad CGI.
When the crew of the Odyssey, part of the most inept space-exploration force in the known galaxy, is marooned on a distant planet, they prepare to make the best of things on this new world by tying some sticks together and calling it shelter. But when they find out that they're sharing the neighborhood with hordes of man-eating dinosaurs, it becomes a race for survival, expertly depicted by scene after scene of monotonous walking set to synthisizer fart-noises mistakenly labeled as "music".
Join Shawn and Keith of "Cinester Theater" as they take on this stinker from long ago. Also, they're joined by guest-riffer Syncy The Sync Goblin, who brings his unique brand of goblin vitriol to the group. Together, they form a comedy trifecta against which even the hungriest dinosaur is powerless to resist!
This product is VOD, which means the movie and the riff are both included!
Note: There are technical difficulties with this riff. The video freezes in several places while the audio continues to play. The video automatically catches up with the audio after the picture unfreezes. At this time, we don't understand why this problem is popping up or what steps to take to fix it. We're leaving this riff up for sale because the problem isn't so bad that the video is rendered unwatchable, but it can be a little annoying.
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